Last night

Last night I was very down but also it was good for me. Something happened. I was praying from the bottom of my heart. I was desperated and almost to the point of hopelessness, but I didn’t give up in God.

And once I felt something interesting. A huge pain and a huge wall in me between me and my memories of love.

That’s all?

We don’t talk with my spouse since ten days. I m asking myself. That s all it was? And we just move forward like it was a nice memory with bitter ones too and now it s another finished relationship like several else what we had before?

And I m like…well right now maybe that s how I feel. It feels like ages when we were together like a couple. I m getting used to be alone to be single. Oke, it s not true. It s still very hard, but I think that I m over the worse part. The storm in my heart and mind what made me almost crazy is not as extremely big, and I hope it will just gets smaller and smaller.

But can I imagine myself in the future? I can not imagine myself in the future without him. I can not let this holy relationship what we had to just vanish. We loved each other really. It was God, who blessed us, I believe it in my heart. It can’t and won’t finish like this, if God wants us together. And I know that God talks with me through my heart. My heart may be deceiving me, because it s still not pure, but this is what I feel now. I love my spouse, and he loved me once very much. I think it was true love. If it was true love it should not fail. If God wanta us together it won’t fail. I believe that the power of love is bigger then any other obstacle. I believe that we will find the way toward each other soon with the help of our love toward each other,with Gods help. Based on what is my hope? Based on some verses in the Bible. It writes that what God tied together men should not broke. God’s will is so that we be together until we live once we are married. Marriage is a promise of loyalty to each other in front of God. We are married. So this is what my hope is based on.

A new kind of life

I m not sure what is happening with me. I feel a huge fight inside me, and the fight is between me and something new.

I m fighting with my own mind. I feel it mostly when I woke up. I m relaxed and fresh at that moment, but in my heart I feel a bad feeling like I did something wrong in the past what I must correct. So if I would choose this idea, I would start to think back on the past, on last night, on the day before that what happened, and what is what makes me feel this bad conscience. Then I would try to “correct” it somehow. But on the other hand I feel like this is a bad thing to do, because I should TRUST God and let Him correct the past my mistakes, and accept that He already forgave my sins, Jesus already died on the cross for me, and His blood deleted all my sins. I have to accept this, and believe this. So I feel that I m not doing God s will if I don t accept it, and I try to correct my failures wth my strenght.

There is rhis huge fight inside me, and anything I choose I m struggling because I m not sure what is the right path.

I would start to go by my own mind, and do anything it askes, but there s something in my limbs what stop me. My limbs become numb and thry don t want to obey. So I m fighting with myself. I want to do something but my body doesn t obey. There is something in me, like a new life, like a new fragrance, what asks something else. What asks me to TRUST. But it is totally not acceptable to my mind and to my feelings. But also this new thing in me feels good and gives me peace. Is it the Holy Spirit, what tries to guide me above my mind?

I hope so. Though my opinion is that the Holy Spirit tries to guide me, I m still very easily influenced by my feelings and thoughts, and I m eager to follow them, even if they are goig to guide me in huge desperations and sufferings. Why? I m asking from myself. Because my mind wants so much to know the truth, to know for sure what is right and wrong. On the other hand I think I should TRUST God and let Him show me the Truth, and don t try to seek it by myself.

“Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.” Romans 8:20

Another day with Jesus

Dear friends, people who read it, people in struggle, or people in their attempt to live a better life.

I decided to write another post today after three days of struggling. Wondering meanwhile that why do I say that I want to motivate you, when probably I m suffering more then anyone who reads my lines.

But! It s not the sufferings level wht matters, but the Glory of God. The level of the Glory of God in our lives. It doesn t matter how much me or you are suffering, but how much we let Jesus in our heart in our sufferings time.

My heart was broken. I didn t really it since three days and i didn t really get up from the bed, even if my parents tried to force me to.

But my heart was broken, and not only my heart, but my mind lost it s capacity too to decide what is good and what is bad. So in my sorrow because of my boyfriend I ended up even worse while my minde and feelings told me all kind of things what are not even related with my boyfriend, but related with devil and ect…So with other word, the devil is attacking me, or was attacking me with all kind of crazy thoughts what really sucked out the energy of me, and left me hopeless totally toward my life.

I felt the compulsion to correct things, to fight with my thoughts, and to do what they say.but on the other hand I remembered to fully live for Jesus, and to not try to solve my problems alone, because it s also written in the Bible, and also I experienced that it just be worse, when I try to fight against my problems, they just gets bigger and bigger, until I end up in a devils circle.

So after a huge struggling at yesterday, I decided to do anything what means following Jesus for me.

I didn t know what to do, since there isn t a path what everyone should follow. I just had faith, and the knowledge that I should follow my faith. I wanted to do all kind of things, but at the end I decided, that I want to let Jesus to do all kindof things with me. I just was in bed, trying to remain in a “stillness” when I don t try to do something what is ” wrong” but also don t try to run away, just letting Him do the fight. It was hard, but only because I thought several.times to the fact that mybe I m wrong and i m on the wrong path. I was tempted to change direction, but always something stopped me. My faith, my stillness. I knew if I get up and try to do my everyday tasks, I may feel.tempted to listen to things I think are directing me to the bad direction. So i just laid in the bed, waiting to see the way, waiting to see the answer. My bad thoughts lost their power mainly, however they are still bothering me a bit. Now my sorrow related with my boyfriend came back and I was really fed up with everything bad in my life. Why am I struggling so hard for him? I don t want to have this suffering for anyone in the world. I asked Jesus to tell me what to do. He didn t tell me to leave him. It s not the answer. If you love someone you should stand up by him even in the bad times. Also I knew there s nothing at all I can do for our relationship. Only God can help. I asked in a crying. Why? Why, Jesus? And he answered. And what He said was this: it is so that you heal finally. This suffering is for you to heal. What you need is not your boyfriend, but Me! Only I can heal you, and only then can you live happily with him.

Now this answer was something I agreed with totally. I knew it s the truth. I m not happy with my boyfriend either when my dark thoughts appear in a strong way. So I decided more then a year ago, that I should find Jesus firstly. And now His answer was right. His answer was something I liked. He also gave me hope with my relationship, because told me to not leave him, but love him, pray for him rather. And to heal firstly. Then it will be possible so that we be happy.

Now I try to recover, to try to continue my life like before.

What is the lesson from this story?

The lesson is, that I can choose to believe that I had a conversation with Jesus. I can choose to believe that soon everything is going to be allright easily if I follow Him.

I can choose a lifestyle what I believe is His way.

It s all about faith.

I feel still very weak. But where we are weak, that s where God is strong. I want to give Him a chance. I want to try! I want to really believe! I want really to.give everything to Him. I really want to die in Him, and let Him give me a new life. And I try everything to do that! The rest is God s work.

Amen

 

Welcome everyone

Hi. My name is Andrea. I m here to tell you about Jesus, and how He is present in my life. I m here to share with you my experiments, my strugglings, and give you motivation in your life.

Today is july 14.

It was a mmm… little hard day..but bearable…

Last day i was on the field to help my uncle s on the farm with the clay. We started to work but then a huge rain came and i got very wet. Today i felt a little weak, and my throat and head and eyes didn t feel so well. I had also a lot of strugglings, and mainly, bcs I really hoped that I m going to meet with my boyfriend today, since he came here to Romania last weekend and stays only a couple of days, then travels back to Usa. Of course we didn t meet, hardly even talked and I m having a very hard time, bcs our relationship isn t even close where it eas at the beginning.

Sooo, what did I do all day? I was reading Bible verses on internet sites, and listening to Nick Vujicic, the famous limbless evanghelist.

What I learned or experienced today is, that I really need to go by my faith. I NEED to follow my faith whatever happens, bcs a lot temptations and obstacles are trying to hinder me from peace and joy.

I had a very hard six months lately, and mentally and psichically I was suffering a looot. Now I m a lot better, since I really decided to follow my faith, and trust in God, but temptations doesn t stop, the evil of course wants me back in the earlier bad shape.

I had a lot issues even today, bothering thoughts, what tried to make me believe, that I m on a bad way toward Jesus, and I should do something to change it.

But! My faith told me, that I m perfectly on the right way, and there s nothing I can do to reach God, or to compelle to Him. It s only He, who can reach me, and heal me, and I ll be healed and saved by faith, not by acts.

So, I was struggling with this issue today, and I followed my faith and didn t fall in doubt. Now the struggling isn t so big, but it s hard, when I see that things aren t going how I would like, and to stay in faith even then.

It is very very very very hard, my friends! Buuuut, there comes a moment when I have to decide. Am I going to be the person I always wanted to be? Am I going to be someone, who I always talk about how should she/he be? I always tell to people how should they act. I talk with such a biiig passion about God, Jesus, faith, that we should believe, and always be grateful. And aways be passionate sooo much toward God. Ajd always be soo joyful in Him.

And I really mean it! I really think that s the way we should be. Then, who am I, to contradict to my own ideas, to not be the person I adviiise sooo passionately to others?

Here is the PERFECT opportunity so that I can use this goal in my life. It s the perfect time to show God, that no matter what, I m joyful in Him. I m grateful to Him, and I KNOW, that He has a PLAN for me! Exactly in this bad time, when I feel sooo fell apart, so helpless, so alone and discouraged. Exactly now is the time when I really need Him. Exactly now is the opportunity so that He heal my wounds, He use me for His plan, to step in my life and change it.

Remember: When you are the most broken, then you are the closest to God, you just HAVE to turn toward Him, so that you see Him.

So now, my dearest God and Jesus. Here I am! My heart is broken, and my hopes are gone, but I turn my face toward Your glory today, and give You a chance to heal me and to help my life. I know that this is the greatest opportunity so that I hear your voice, see your way, and let you heal me.

There is a lot sorrow in my heavy heart, and it s hard to carry it. There s a lot of sorrow, because whenever I remember the time me and my boyfriend were happy and loveful, I feel my heart breaking again and again. I m hopeless, because my situation is like this now more then a half year ago, and I couldn t step forward, I couldn t change anything even with my biggest tryings.

So now it s really hard, bcs I have no more energy, and my hope is vanishing.

But! Here I go, Jesus! I m here to listen to you. I m here to turn toward you! I m jere to give you my heart and let you heal it. I m here to find new hope in your words, to gather more energy. I m here to trust you, and believe, that you will find a way for my peace.

I can t force someone to love me. But I know that once he loved me with all of his heart. I know, Jesus, that you gave him that huge love he had for me.

I know that You have a reason why things are like this between us, and I know you just want my joy and peace with anything happens to me.

I don t know what is your plan with us, but I know, that anything happens is going to be the best for us. I know that you want me happiness, and you will ease my way anything happens.

Please give me more hope, and more joy, so that I believe that this problem is going to get resolved very soon. Please help me to love my spouse with all my heart purily, the best, how I can. Please warm up my heart so that it radiates such a great love toward my spouse what he always desired and what he deserves.

I really love him, and he is everything to me on this earth. Please give me so that I always want his best no matter what, without any selfhishness.

Please give me so that I love him so much that my heart be overwhelmed by this love I feel, because I know we can t ask someone to love us, but if we really love someone, we find the peace in that love.

Thank you, Jesus, that you listened my prayer, and thank you that I love very much my spouse. Thank you for biggening this love toward him from day by day. Thank you for washing out the sorrow from my heart. Thank you for the hope.

Amen