I m not sure what is happening with me. I feel a huge fight inside me, and the fight is between me and something new.
I m fighting with my own mind. I feel it mostly when I woke up. I m relaxed and fresh at that moment, but in my heart I feel a bad feeling like I did something wrong in the past what I must correct. So if I would choose this idea, I would start to think back on the past, on last night, on the day before that what happened, and what is what makes me feel this bad conscience. Then I would try to “correct” it somehow. But on the other hand I feel like this is a bad thing to do, because I should TRUST God and let Him correct the past my mistakes, and accept that He already forgave my sins, Jesus already died on the cross for me, and His blood deleted all my sins. I have to accept this, and believe this. So I feel that I m not doing God s will if I don t accept it, and I try to correct my failures wth my strenght.
There is rhis huge fight inside me, and anything I choose I m struggling because I m not sure what is the right path.
I would start to go by my own mind, and do anything it askes, but there s something in my limbs what stop me. My limbs become numb and thry don t want to obey. So I m fighting with myself. I want to do something but my body doesn t obey. There is something in me, like a new life, like a new fragrance, what asks something else. What asks me to TRUST. But it is totally not acceptable to my mind and to my feelings. But also this new thing in me feels good and gives me peace. Is it the Holy Spirit, what tries to guide me above my mind?
I hope so. Though my opinion is that the Holy Spirit tries to guide me, I m still very easily influenced by my feelings and thoughts, and I m eager to follow them, even if they are goig to guide me in huge desperations and sufferings. Why? I m asking from myself. Because my mind wants so much to know the truth, to know for sure what is right and wrong. On the other hand I think I should TRUST God and let Him show me the Truth, and don t try to seek it by myself.
“Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.” Romans 8:20